The Rollercoaster that is life

So things have turned around a lot since my last post.
B FINALLY listened to me. He has admitted he has a problem and is going to get help! I can imagine its going to be a long slow process but its a start!

This have been so much better all around because of it.  He realised what I meant by being lonely and since he is always at work the rest falls on me.  Just having him listen to that and try to understand it was so important.

Anyway a million times less stress going on.

unfortunately though my healthy eating and exercise still isn't going well.  I mentioned about getting worried bub was small. Well he has something called marginal cord insertion where instead of the cord inserting in the center of the placenta it has inserted 1-2cm from the edge.  Now this may not be an issue at all but it has been known to be associated with IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  Normally this doesn't become apparent until the 3rd trimester but as he did have that drop in growth between 14 and 20weeks its showing to have some affect on the amount of nutrients he is getting.  He is staying on the 40th percentile at the moment and I am due to see my OB again on the 10th.  We are hoping he stays on this growth curve which is perfectly fine. He will be closely monitored though and if he does start dropping and gets below that 10th percentile it might mean an early delivery.

My OB has said its perfectly fine for me to keep exercising and running.  I just haven't been.  I set my alarm for every morning and every morning I turn it off :( I will keep trying though and its always the first one that is the hardest.
The eating though is a different story.  I am eating reasonably healthy its just the snacking as I feel like I need to be doing something to help him grow so I constantly eat.  Ultimately I know it makes no difference and its just going to my arse but its just that need to feel like I am doing something.

Every day I am making small steps though a little healthier a little more sleep a little more energy and eventually I will get it right.  Every little bit of progress is still progress.

Due to the increased eating though I have unfortunately gone up to 82kg! Again its just a matter of trying to maintain it here. The last few days have been really good so I just have to try and keep it up and definitely have to get out for that morning walk.

My body really struggles in winter.  I think its that missing Vit D from the summer sun.  I tried to get out side and get a bit of sun this morning. Hopefully it helps a bit.

My goals for the next week. Eat healthy and snack on less rubbish food and get out for that morning walk at least once!

Stress and cortisol

One definitely can not underestimate the impact of stress and in turn cortisol on weight loss.

I've been under a lot of stress lately. In short B has been smoking majurana again on a daily basis this time and I'm too exhausted to continually fight these addiction issues he has and mix with that this business and him always being at work and me being a single parent to 3 kids 3 and under and pregnant. B and I have barely spoken in months, and when we do it's fighting. Ultimately my marriage is pretty much over. I can't keep forcing something to work that just isn't.

I have no support network around me so all this is just building and building the stress. Most days I feel like I'm drowning. 

Yesterday was one of thes days so I comfort ate and ate :( I was too tired and exhausted to care. 

Stress increases ur levels of cortisol which changes the way u store fat leading u to store more which also increases ur appetite so u eat more and it goes round and round leading to weight gain. 

Anyway I feel a bit better today still tired and my head feels foggy and mentally spent but I'm feeling stronger about my direction and I'm eating well. 

I still have my goal in my mind. I still want to get to my peak fitness and sculpt. 

This is of course on hold while pregnant so I'm focusing on eating well and trying to exercise regularly. 

Being the single parent of 3 little ones is also making it extremely hard to exercise. 

I miss the high intensity exercise. It's my meditation. I enjoy the weights and the changes it was making to my body but I love the running. I have the Treadmil in the garage but I barely make the gym :( this bothers me. 

Bubs will be here in about 18 weeks. Then there is about 6 weeks recovery and I can start to get back into it. 

There are a couple of think pink triathlons at the beginning of next year I might be able to do. I might just look at doing the short distances just to get back into it but still do something. The hardest part with this is having someone to watch the kids. Again that single parent thing. 

Being on hold from ur goal whilst trying to stay on track to it is hard. Makes it all feel so far away but it's for a wonderful reason and I am looking forward to baby boy getting here just with everything going on it's certainly hard to tread water. 

I've been thinking of setting my full gym up again. B sold all my equipment as I hadn't used it but that's because I had been trying to conceive for so long and miscarriages and pregnant etc. I do like going to the gym though it's nice to get out of the house but if I just never make it what is the point? Like now for example the two youngest are napping and the eldest has quiet time I could do a work out now. I can't go to the gym but I could do something here at home. 

Something to think about anyway. Once bub is here and I can do the 4:30am thing again it might be fine. 

I can do this! 

its been a long time

wow its been a long time
So I am 20weeks pregnant now and finally out of the morning sickness and migraine hell that I was in.
Unfortunately in those first 16weeks that were REALLY bad I ate heavy carbs to try and keep the nausea at bay, I didn't go to the gym as I was too tired and sick, and it led to weight gain :(

I started running up again about 3 weeks ago but its few and far between. The boys have all been sick and then I get sick, they aren't sleeping and the last few weeks I am lucky to get 4 hours sleep.

I got myself a fitbit surge though and I am tracking what I eat and although not perfect its way better than it was and I keep it under the 1800 cal recommended.
So although I can't always exercise I am keeping on top of the diet.

So all up I have gained 9kg in 20weeks.  agh! My biggest concern is that I lost a lot of muscle and gained a lot of fat. I am going to keep plugging away though.  I currently have strep throat and am on antibiotics and I have a cold with a really chesty cough so I am off exercise this week.  Normally I would exercise through it but not while pregnant.

Also I had my morphology scan last week and very excited to say its another boy.  When I found out I was a little sad it wasn't a girl but I always very quickly realise why I am a mum to boys.  During this scan though I found out he is growing a bit small.  he was measuring a week ahead and is now a week behind.  I have had a niggling feeling something was wrong and my not growing bump was worrying me and to have it confirmed during a scan has me a little worried.  Hopefully he was just due to go through a growth spurt but I am dropping back in my exercise until I see my OB next week and get the all clear all is OK. If there is a growth problem or placenta or something I don't want to make it all worse by exercising.

These are my progress photos.
before 70kg

14weeks 78kg

20weeks 79kg

Looking at these photos I can see the fluid in my face so my body must be holding onto more than I thought.  I am still in size 12 clothes which is good.  I would like to maintain this weight now until bub is born.  I would also like to increase my exercise to 5-6 times a week.  A couple of run, some weights and the elliptical.  Its just a matter of fitting it in as my 4:30am time slot doesn't work at the moment as my 15month old refuses to sleep at this time now.